Sometimes we stand in awe of other Christians. They have so much faith! we think. Or, look at how strong they are! Or, They are so devoted; why can't I be like that? Don't be fooled. What you see is not what you see. "Growing in Christ" isn't what I thought it would be. The more I walk with him, the more I become utterly dependent upon him and in such a way that those things which used to be by my own strength are no longer within my power. And I'm not talking about marathons; I am talking about my everyday. It is no longer me, but Christ in me, writing my homework (I can't even "just write" a paper like I used to), going to the gym, sitting down to dinner.
The more I know Him, the emptier this world becomes for me. I find it harder and harder to fill that emptiness with things other than Him. Things that used to at least temporarily fill or numb have worn off in effect much like the drugs of a long term addict. When I was little, my escape was my books. I craved them. They took me away for a while at least. Then there were sports. But my love died for that when it too became my god. From sports I turned to food to find meaning, and eventually to the ultra mind-numbing 'activity' of television. Talk about pouring a load of crap into your system.
I always watched passionate people and envied their undying fervor because I couldn't seem to keep the fire under me burning for anything, even things I know God gave to me as talents and gifts. Then I thought back to "Chariots of Fire." If you've seen it you may recall the two main characters, Eric Liddell and Harold Abrahams, two world class runners training for the 1942 Paris Olympics. Both gifted athletes, their reasons for running were incredibly different. Abrahams ran with a drivenness admired by the world around him. You could see it in his face whenever he ran; driveness, self-denial, discipline. None of these were necessarily bad things, but you can tell he gained something other than joy and pleasure from the experience. What kept him running? The knowledge that he had the potential to be the world's fastest, best. It was from that hope that he drew his meaning. It was his life to accomplish this; it was his filling for an evident emptiness.
Then there was Eric. Eric struggled with the bipolar pull on his life. His sister thought his running frivolous and wished him to devote himself entirely to the mission where the true work of life was. Yet he knew he had a gift, a God-given gift. When he decided to train for Paris before going to China on missions he told his sister, "But Jenny, God also made me fast and when I run I feel His pleasure." Ahah! That is what makes Eric different. He has true joy from the same activity that drives Abrahams like a horse. Eric knows better than to run away with that gift though. He keeps God first, knowing that He is the only thing that can fill his emptiness, and that it will only be filled permanently in Heaven. He gives his gift back to God and lays his life down and in so doing he lives in true joy.
I doubt that, at that point in his life, Liddell could really have done anything other than what he did when he put God first and did not run on Sunday. He (and I as well) had come to a point where anything that was not Christ was dead, was empty, was pointless, and perhaps even then a bit depressing. Living for God, living in Christ - I have come to the place that even if I wished to turn back I couldn't possibly. As the world shrinks more into death around me, I turn my face to God even more. The more I turn to Him, the more the earth fades away.
Even those things in which God has gifted me I must first give back to Him if they are to be worth anything. Otherwise they add up to nothing and are useless. I cannot touch people with this creativity if it is by my own strength because without the breath of Christ it is DEAD. But IN Christ there is life and more abundant. I'm starting to think that it's the only life, not just more abundant because I'm not finding any lasting life anywhere else. Christ is why I got out of my bed today, why I sat and did my homework last night, why I practice piano, why I sat with a hurting friend. Christ is the only REASON. He causes me to love because he loves me. And you know, that Beatles weren't too far off when they said, "All you Need is Love."
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