Breaking Up or Taking a Break?

Dear Mount Holyoke, sometimes you make me feel as cloistered as a nun. Don't you think you're being a little clingy? The intensity of this relationship is exhausting me. I'm in for the long haul...but the summer can't get here fast enough. YOU need a vacation at least as much as I do.

 

Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

Lately you feel the desire to hide in secret places - to get things done. Is the word "No" or the phrase "I can't" in your vocabulary? If it is, you might want to pull it out and dust it off. It needs a lot of exercise.

I know, but for every person I turn away, there are eight more waiting, each with handfuls of needs. I haven't figured out how to be there for everybody. I haven't figured out how to make and keep boundaries with my time so that I can go to bed too, so that I can get my homework done too, so that I can go to my appointments and meetings too.

You seem to function mostly out of obligation.

I know! Isn't that sad! I wish all this "doing" was coming form a place of love and not "I should." I was editing a paper for a friend the other day. It was a long paper - maybe 15 or 20 pages. I had a whole list ahead of my own homework and some errands for a few other friends. As much as I like editing, I faced that paper with trepidation. I didn't really have the time. But I knew how much my friend needed this. She's going through a very hard time and I love her about as much as one human being can love another. So though I didn't have the time or the desire, my love for her urged me forward. I plunged into the paper pulled and pushed by a deeply seated commitment and affection for that girl. Instead of thinking about what a drag 20 could be, I was focused on what this could do to help her. It felt good. I would do anything for that friend - and I mean lay my life down. I would.

So?

So! So I can't do that and be that for everybody! Everyone needs people in their lives like that - someone who will be there night and day, for better of for worse. But I can't be that person to everyone who comes to me looking for that. Because I don't like to be left hanging, lonely, and empty I try not to leave other people feeling that way...
...if only I could learn to just say "no" sometimes.

Sounds like someone is a people-pleaser.

Let's not forget performer. I enjoy sharing life with people, hearing the stories from their day, making them laugh, relieving their pain, giving them something in the shape of hope. But like many performers, after the show I need to be left to my peace and quiet either alone or with a few people who know me very well and know how to let me be. This hamster wheel can't keep spinning.

You know, you can't be superman. You aren't supposed to save the world. It's the Christ-like in you that wants to heal the broken hearted. But it isn't up to to. God uses us, but He is the one in charge of the healing and his hand extends beyond your stamina and ability. Not only can you relax and let Him take the wheel when you are too tired to drive, you can let Him drive the bus in the first place! You don't have to drive the bus.

I know, I know...but knowing and doing are two different things. I'm afraid of being a disappointment, of letting people down, of shutting doors. I want to be reliable, someone who can be counted on. Let's get real, I even struggle with telling the truth because I just want to be left in peace. So maybe I won't tell you where I am, or that I didn't get your message, or that I don't know, or a lot of other vague things. It's because I don't know how to just tell you, "No, I can't. But thank you for thinking of me. I'm honored." I feel too much pressure and I can't handle it, so I run away and lie about it!

Ugh, I hate that about us.

I hate it too! I hate feeling like a sleazy, unreliable liar. I want to help people, but I want boundaries so badly right now. And I CAN'T find them.

Tools in my Box

Another year has swirled by. It moved so fast and yet so many moments remain frozen in the refrigerator of my memory. There was the day I rolled up my sleeves to the toughest semester of my life which included among other activities, a graduate course at Umass on African popular music; piano, voice, and guitar lessons; and chairmanship of an acapella group. Then there was the day I danced for five hours straight in preparation for the West African Drumming ensembles spring performance with guest artist Nani Agbeli of the Dagbe Center in Ghana. The day I watched some of my dearest friends glide down the steps of the amphitheater towards a stage where a ribbon-tied roll of paper signified the triumph of their days here at Mount Holyoke. I won’t deny that I cried after packing them up and sending them off to New York and London. But then I packed my own little suitcase for a return adventure in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

Thanks in great part to the students of Mount Holyoke, I was able to raise approximately $3,300 dollars over a matter of days during the month of May; my purposed adventure was to teach and volunteer at Layla House, the orphanage where I worked for a few weeks in the summer of 2009 as part of my Karen Snyder Sullivan travel experience. For two and a half months I taught math, English, American culture, and - my favorite of all - music! I had the opportunity to practice music therapy with a group of emotionally troubled high school age children at Layla.

It came about unexpectedly one unusual afternoon. Classes and chores over for the day, usually a two and half-hour soccer game commences from the end of chore time at 3:30pm until dinner time at 6:00pm. Today, however, several of the older children were away from the compound for health screenings except for one I’ll call Mekonen. In the chilly, gray lull of rainy season, most of the children retreated to their bunkrooms to play cards or read. Relieved to hear their din fade away, I crumpled wearily into a corner of the paved courtyard with my guitar. I strummed and sang a few of songs I had learned by heart during my semester of guitar lessons that spring: Imagine, Let it Be, Hallelujah, and You are my Sunshine. Mekonen meandered along the path that led from the main office, along the courtyard, and into the main square of the compound. He stopped. Arms dangling, he slouched against the wall across from my side of the courtyard and watched me play.

Mekonen had been at Layla over five years now, watching peers come and go; he didn’t care much anymore. I didn’t bother to do more than look up, catch his eye, and nod. Mekonen is not the type of child you invite to join. He prefers to welcome himself at his own pace. For the better part of an hour he leaned against the wall, or shuffled in zigzags across the courtyard as I played. The shuffling eventually brought him close to where I sat. He sat down too. Long fingers started tweaking the tuning pins as I played and soon You are my Sunshine sounded more like a dying owl than a love song. Mekonen held his hands out to play. “Please may I?” he whispered. Cradling the little Luna in his lap, our first lesson began with tuning. Then a D chord. Then a G chord. Then the dinner bell rang. While at tea the next morning I heard another whisper in my ear, “Guitar?” He raised is eyebrows the way I raise mine when asking a question in class.

Over three days he learned B, then F, C, and E, A minor, A...we put them together, made up songs, sang songs we knew, and learned songs from each other. Guitar has a natural way of drawing out conversation, even in a child like Mekonen. Mekonen, familiar with three languages, preferred not to speak very often; he stared instead, but not at you, just out there somewhere. He wasn’t even a sullen boy, just sad. However, while he let his bruised fingers rest in between pinching the guitars strings a few words would come out. One day he told me he liked science and that he wanted to do experiments when he grew up. The next day we talked about football. The conversation would flow, then ebb, and he’d pick up the guitar again.

After just a few days the other children noticed Mekonen’s newfound skill. They wanted to learn to. Soon there were too many students for me to give private lessons so I gathered the group in a circle after dinner and let Mekonen demonstrate. He then turned to Naeti and taught him one chord. Naeti, comfortable with his D chord turned to Shifwhereae and taught him the D chord. Naeti got a little confused. “If you don’t know,” I said, “ask Mekonen. He knows. If he doesn’t remember, he can ask me.”

The rest of that summer, after dinner and dishes, our group collected on the rush matts or in chairs to practice. “Mekonen,” a boy would ask, “can I come tonight to learn?” Mekonen would nod yes, though his mouth didn’t smile - but his eyes smiled. I don’t have a name for what I saw grow in him and some of the other children over the summer as we passed that guitar around. Maybe you could call it hope, or peace, or satisfaction, or acceptance. Whatever you want to call it, Mekonen began to relinquish his sullen air, to speak a little more often of his own accord, to join the football matches and the card games. And every evening he led our lessons.

Now cloaked in the heavy blanket of winter, I look back to the summer and reflect on those little miracles and the miracles of change in my own life. When we arrive as little fresh-faced firsties to this evergreen campus, there is a figurative toolbox waiting for each of us. Over the next four years of class, homework, friendship, and outreach we collect and sharpen tools. But like any five-year-old with a new kit from Santa Claus, we itch to practice with our tools. Sitting through the fourteen-hour flight from Washington to Addis Ababa, one has way too much time to think. Finally on my way, I succumbed to worries that I really was not equipped for this job after all. Yet I proved my own fears of inadequacy wrong day after day after day. You cannot predict what problems or puzzling opportunities will arise or how you will solve them in a place where duct tape holds car doors in place and diapers are tied with twine.

This coming summer, with even more tools for leadership, problem solving, and compassion in my Mount Holyoke toolbox I plan to go to either London or Boston to intern with music and dance therapists before returning to my senior year to write a thesis on those matters. I’m happy to report that my tool collection is not only growing but also improving in quality as I work through hardships and joys in my college career. There can be a lot of both in just one day, but I know I am prepared. Thank you for your part in equipping me and other women to create lasting influence in people outside of Mount Holyoke.

Dear Posie,

Dear Posie,

There are a lot of things I want to tell you and could tell you, but that you may not understand until you've had some similar experiences. But I'll tell you a lot of things anyway because I think, I hope, they will encourage you when you feel hard pressed, alone, ashamed, forgotten, inauthentic, sad - even if they are just head knowledge. Head knowledge is good for hope; it serves as a guidepost until you traverses the longest distance in the world: that 14 inch path from your head to your heart. The only way to walk that trail is by experience and revelation. So that makes lesson 1.


Lesson 1:
Only God can really give you Truth because only He can prepare the soil of your heart to receive the seeds of Truth. It's like that T-shirt that was so popular when you were in middle school: I can see your mouth is moving but all I hear is blah blah blah. I sometimes close my heart off to God and other people; I want to do things my way. That could mean worrying in circles; trying seemingly intelligent solutions; simply closing my eyes, turning my back, and diving off a cliff.


Lesson 3:
Check and double check directions and your work even though it's overwhelming. Just take a "bite," chew, swallow, and take the next bite...I loathe proof-reading. But, see, I'd checked this it would say "Lesson 2" instead of "Lesson 3." Giving up on keeping up with directions cost me a good grade this semester. I worked so hard on my last paper - days - but because I allowed myself to remain overwhelmed by our favorite anthropology class my attitude was "whatever" so I wrote a great paper to not the quite right prompt. Oops. Don't be religious and inflexible about it, but apparently directions mean something...something.


Lesson 2
Sometimes I used to wonder if I would ever have any close friends. When I was little and my first best friend drifted away it was like a bad break-up that lasted years, and still hurts a little today. Then I "met" Katie, and by met I mean I finally got to know the girl I'd sat next to every Sunday for 10 years. We promised our friendship before leaving for college, know that a lot of change was coming - that connection is still there and I think it always will be, even though it sometimes needs a little TLC. In college I wondered about all those amazing friendships that were supposed to happen. All adults talk about how they made their best friends in college. By the middle of sophomore I quit on that hope because though I was surrounded by people I had rarely felt lonelier because there was always a point where conversations stopped and we were all too afraid to be transparent.

Sitting next to Lindsey in an old classroom on a Sunday night, working on papers, eating good chocolate, and talking about real life I see that I have those friends I always wondered about, even though there are moments when it feels like no one is real, I'm not real, and all these unreal people are very far away. There will always be people I wish I knew better and some people I wish I didn't have to know at all. And there are the people, the friends,  I credit with effecting much of who I am today. They are people who bring out the good, the bad, and the ugly and that's great because the good comes in ways that build and strengthen them. As for the bad and the ugly, I come face to face with realities - habits, grudges, emotions, fears - that I don't want to hold onto.

Yes, stand on your own two feet and listen to God first, but know that people are going to influence you in some way just as you are going to influence them. So who do you want influencing you? You know, someone doesn't have to be a Christian to have a positive influence on you. Think about that statement for a moment. I won't lay out my justifications as to when, how, where just now. But ask me sometime. It takes both Christians and non-Christians to sharpen our swords and turn our grit to pearls. I wonder how I might have turned out if I hadn't met Bethel, or Aba...or Lindsey. What about Katie or Jessie? How about if I hadn't had Amy, Dominique, or Christina?

That's my lecture/encouragement on friendships. They're out there. There are a lot of in-between people that you'll just know on different levels. That was high school and still is part of life. But you will find people that you can trust and that you adore so much that you'll go through anything for them.


Lesson 4
Don't be afraid to make some mistakes! Let's make some choices ourselves and make some little mistakes so that we're better prepared for the big decisions.


Lesson 5
Good grades are important, but they're not everything. You do what you reasonably can, and by the grace of God - and then you let it go. Sometime that means you'll stay up all night but ONLY sometimes. We aren't here on our own strength and you'll see that the more life you see because the world just gets bigger and the laundry lists get longer from here. But don't be afraid. You're life isn't a laundry list. I Corinthians 10:31, "So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." We came to glorify God as we work, as we walk, as we eat, sleep, and dream.


Lesson 6
There is always a hope and a future, even in the ugliest time. You are familiar with Jeremiah 29:11-12 so I won't repeat it. It's hard to move it from your head to your heart though. When my world gets really shaky - when something happens that is so frightening that I feel internally paralyzed - I struggle to believe in my heart that God is faithful and will not abandon me or my family. I have to go to my room and shut the door. There I cry aloud to God. I tell him how afraid I am, how I don't understand. I ask Him to help me trust because I can't even trust on my own sometimes. There are some things that nudge me, but don't shake me. And then there are the things that rock me so hard I find myself in a heap on the floor - broken, feeling deep defeat. I have to then, and perhaps still crumpled on the floor, recount all the times God has come through for me. He's never failed me. I don't always get where He's going and why, but by the time my life has run it's course I know there won't be a single loose end.


So, Pose, those are just a few things. There are lot of others things I'll probably tell you...when I think of them.



Love you,
    ~Barbara <3

The Right Stuff

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to do what I want - the things I really want to do.