Dear Posie,

Dear Posie,

There are a lot of things I want to tell you and could tell you, but that you may not understand until you've had some similar experiences. But I'll tell you a lot of things anyway because I think, I hope, they will encourage you when you feel hard pressed, alone, ashamed, forgotten, inauthentic, sad - even if they are just head knowledge. Head knowledge is good for hope; it serves as a guidepost until you traverses the longest distance in the world: that 14 inch path from your head to your heart. The only way to walk that trail is by experience and revelation. So that makes lesson 1.


Lesson 1:
Only God can really give you Truth because only He can prepare the soil of your heart to receive the seeds of Truth. It's like that T-shirt that was so popular when you were in middle school: I can see your mouth is moving but all I hear is blah blah blah. I sometimes close my heart off to God and other people; I want to do things my way. That could mean worrying in circles; trying seemingly intelligent solutions; simply closing my eyes, turning my back, and diving off a cliff.


Lesson 3:
Check and double check directions and your work even though it's overwhelming. Just take a "bite," chew, swallow, and take the next bite...I loathe proof-reading. But, see, I'd checked this it would say "Lesson 2" instead of "Lesson 3." Giving up on keeping up with directions cost me a good grade this semester. I worked so hard on my last paper - days - but because I allowed myself to remain overwhelmed by our favorite anthropology class my attitude was "whatever" so I wrote a great paper to not the quite right prompt. Oops. Don't be religious and inflexible about it, but apparently directions mean something...something.


Lesson 2
Sometimes I used to wonder if I would ever have any close friends. When I was little and my first best friend drifted away it was like a bad break-up that lasted years, and still hurts a little today. Then I "met" Katie, and by met I mean I finally got to know the girl I'd sat next to every Sunday for 10 years. We promised our friendship before leaving for college, know that a lot of change was coming - that connection is still there and I think it always will be, even though it sometimes needs a little TLC. In college I wondered about all those amazing friendships that were supposed to happen. All adults talk about how they made their best friends in college. By the middle of sophomore I quit on that hope because though I was surrounded by people I had rarely felt lonelier because there was always a point where conversations stopped and we were all too afraid to be transparent.

Sitting next to Lindsey in an old classroom on a Sunday night, working on papers, eating good chocolate, and talking about real life I see that I have those friends I always wondered about, even though there are moments when it feels like no one is real, I'm not real, and all these unreal people are very far away. There will always be people I wish I knew better and some people I wish I didn't have to know at all. And there are the people, the friends,  I credit with effecting much of who I am today. They are people who bring out the good, the bad, and the ugly and that's great because the good comes in ways that build and strengthen them. As for the bad and the ugly, I come face to face with realities - habits, grudges, emotions, fears - that I don't want to hold onto.

Yes, stand on your own two feet and listen to God first, but know that people are going to influence you in some way just as you are going to influence them. So who do you want influencing you? You know, someone doesn't have to be a Christian to have a positive influence on you. Think about that statement for a moment. I won't lay out my justifications as to when, how, where just now. But ask me sometime. It takes both Christians and non-Christians to sharpen our swords and turn our grit to pearls. I wonder how I might have turned out if I hadn't met Bethel, or Aba...or Lindsey. What about Katie or Jessie? How about if I hadn't had Amy, Dominique, or Christina?

That's my lecture/encouragement on friendships. They're out there. There are a lot of in-between people that you'll just know on different levels. That was high school and still is part of life. But you will find people that you can trust and that you adore so much that you'll go through anything for them.


Lesson 4
Don't be afraid to make some mistakes! Let's make some choices ourselves and make some little mistakes so that we're better prepared for the big decisions.


Lesson 5
Good grades are important, but they're not everything. You do what you reasonably can, and by the grace of God - and then you let it go. Sometime that means you'll stay up all night but ONLY sometimes. We aren't here on our own strength and you'll see that the more life you see because the world just gets bigger and the laundry lists get longer from here. But don't be afraid. You're life isn't a laundry list. I Corinthians 10:31, "So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." We came to glorify God as we work, as we walk, as we eat, sleep, and dream.


Lesson 6
There is always a hope and a future, even in the ugliest time. You are familiar with Jeremiah 29:11-12 so I won't repeat it. It's hard to move it from your head to your heart though. When my world gets really shaky - when something happens that is so frightening that I feel internally paralyzed - I struggle to believe in my heart that God is faithful and will not abandon me or my family. I have to go to my room and shut the door. There I cry aloud to God. I tell him how afraid I am, how I don't understand. I ask Him to help me trust because I can't even trust on my own sometimes. There are some things that nudge me, but don't shake me. And then there are the things that rock me so hard I find myself in a heap on the floor - broken, feeling deep defeat. I have to then, and perhaps still crumpled on the floor, recount all the times God has come through for me. He's never failed me. I don't always get where He's going and why, but by the time my life has run it's course I know there won't be a single loose end.


So, Pose, those are just a few things. There are lot of others things I'll probably tell you...when I think of them.



Love you,
    ~Barbara <3